Oh, Boy...

At this point, 3 years ago today, you were barely 4 hours old. I was knocked out from an emergency c-section and hadn't even seen you yet. But when I did? My world changed. It had started changing 37 weeks earlier (you have always been in a hurry...even coming 3 weeks early so you didn't miss out on anything) when you were just our little secret.

I remember not telling anyone about you for a few weeks. It was fun, and so hard, keeping this secret. I think I was scared you might be a figment of my imagination. Surely those many tests I took were wrong. I did nothing to deserve you, in all your crazy blond wildness. You were all gift.

You have changed my life, in so many ways. I no longer can begin to think only of myself. And if I do, you make sure it's short lived. ;) Everything I do effects you, and God knew I so desperately needed that. I needed someone to shake up my world and let me know it wasn't all about me.

Sometimes my heart hurts when I look at you. You are the cutest boy I've ever seen...sometimes I'm surprised by how much I love you. I know God has used you to let me understand, a little bit better, how He loves us. You are so energetic and free-spirited, independent and stubborn. Your mother's child with traits like those, but at the same time a little version of your daddy.

I know how blessed, tried, amazed, and overwhelmed I have been since I first knew you were coming. It only grows every day. Some days I think I'll never be the mom you deserve. I get mad with you, I can't figure out what to do with you. And then I remember, like God does for me...I just need to love you, exactly for, and because of, who you are. There may be things about being a mom that aren't easy. But that job? It's NOT a job. And its so easy. I love you, baby boy. Happy 3rd Birthday!

Fortune Teller?

Recently I read a friend's post on Facebook, and it got me thinking: "When you are reluctant to change think of the beauty autumn brings." I dread change like any good human. Especially like the controlling first-born OCD human that I am.

But this quote is so true. I never know what might be coming as a result of the change, or following a change. Whether this change be within myself, or in my surroundings. I'm often so scared to let go of my current situation, or my stubborn pride, even though something so much better for me could be waiting just outside of my bubble of control.


I guess that's what's so hard about the change. The unknown, the letting go of control, the fear of being uncomfortable or unhappy. But it doesn't necessarily have to be unknown. It may not be known to me...but it is known to God. He sees everything as it has been, is, and will be. Nothing surprises Him.

I'm not sure about you, but I'm not very good at predicting my future. I can barely dress for the correct weather situation. But I don't have to be. I just have to be good at trusting. Trusting that the same God who makes autumn beauty out of the summer it follows, can see right through me (or my situations) to what's on the inside.

Dirt Therapy.

I'm a little OCD when it comes to dirt. I don't like it on me, my kids, my house, etc. You are probably wondering how I survive with two messy children. Lots of therapy. Not really, but I think they are helping me get over it. Dirt isn't going to kill me...I guess.

I don't really even like getting in the leaves with the kids, because I'm a bit freaked over what dirt and bugs may be in those piles of crunchy stuff. My kids just roll around in it. "Come on it, mom, the dirt's fine." I also think photography is helping me over my dirt-o-phobia. I made that clinical term up, obviously, cuz I was too lazy to google the real name.

The kids have no problem going around with day old pizza on their faces, or this morning breakfast behind their ear and in their hair. I don't even like to go without wiping my face between every bite of food. It's probably a sin how many napkins I go through at fast food places. Sorry, trees.

But, I'm trying to be the mature adult around here. You probably won't catch me scheduling camping trips anytime soon (unless they involve a hotel with a gym and hot tub) but I think I'm doing some improving. Nothing like a kid with syrup in his hair, or boogers all over her shirt, to help you face your fears. Now where is my hand sanitizer?

Fur-Phobia.

I don't really have memories of story time growing up. I loved to read, but don't recall us doing that as a bedtime ritual at our house. I'm probably not really very good about reading to my kids, either, if I'm honest. I can barely get them to sit still, much less me.

But for some reason, every night, Merrick asks for Billy to read to him. (It may be a stalling technique...but beggars can't be choosers) He loves for Billy to read his kiddo Bible to him. Which he calls "Geesh". I always knew God had a lot of names, but that's a new one to me.

Merrick just sits there, listening, asking questions...one night the big issue was a sudden fear of John the Baptist, who was pictured wearing fur. Merrick kept asking, "John the Bassik bite me???". Either Merrick is going to grow up and be a vegan, or assumes all individuals wearing fur (dogs, cats, rich ladies, disciples) can  bite.

We assured him John won't bite, for various reasons, and thankfully have moved on. But either way, I'm glad that he's listening, and learning, and getting some good quality time with his daddy. I may have to put away my faux-fur lined vest this fall, however. ;)

Check out more shots at Mamarazzi Monday, and fatmumslim

I see your black and white.

I read a quote recently while perusing through Flickr, that said “When you photograph people in colour you photograph their clothes.  But when you photograph people in B&W, you photograph their souls.” / Ted Grant.


I think that there's something true about taking away all the distracting color, the bright hues, and the vibrant tones and just seeing the bare simplicity of what is in front of you. There's a peacefulness, but also an intensity and honesty, about a black and white photograph.

Some people don't care about photography, and that's fine, it's just a little obsession of mine. So I think, in my deep naptime blogging thoughts ;), I realized how much this applies to real life, not just photography. And particularly for me, it applies to my kids and my husband.

Sometimes they're so loud, there's so much going on, I'm so busy, I'm so stressed, I'm so.durn.tired, that I don't really just see them. I see the mess around us. I am realizing, from my own baggage and issues as a messed up adult who really needs a Savior, how much they need me to see into their souls, and tell them they are beloved and stunning to me. The bare, intense, at their best and worst image of who they are. 

They don't have to wave bright colors in front of my face, they don't have to constantly compete with objects or people around them for my focus, they don't have to do anything but be who they are. I want to see the the honesty, the intensity, the good and the bad, and let them know that's exactly why I love them...for their black and white souls.

(The 3rd shot is my entry for the paper mama photo challenge)

And it was all yellow Orange.

The season of autumn is characterized by several colors...orange, red, yellow, brown, but I think orange stands out the most. It's one of my favorite colors. I say that, but I think all colors are my favorite. I love lamp color. But anyway, just wanted to give orange a little love here, and blog y'all a list of my favorite orange-ness, in no particular order:

1. Icing. Not always particularly orange, any color icing will do, especially on these sugar cookies. Even the ones that my son sat on in the shopping cart and mushed. Don't worry...I ate the mushed cookies too. I don't like to be prejudiced.

2. Leaves. I'm getting a little cranky with the leaves around here. They are pulling a "turn brown and fall off the tree" thing. Skipping the color altogether. Dumb, I tell you. If you're going to be all over my yard/car/life at least be colorful, would ya?

3. Pumpkins. As long as they are not in the form of pumpkin spice lattes. Which I hate. I gave it a valiant effort because all the kids are doing it, and then tweeting about it, but ohmygag.

4. Texas Longhorns. My boys aren't doing quite as hot this year, but I'm a loyal fan. During last year's championship game (which we unfortunately lost) I was such a nervous wreck I had to watch from the other room while simultaneously pacing and biting both hands worth of fingernails at once. Ahem, Hook 'Em.

5. My kids. No they aren't orange...but they're tan-ish. Which is kind of close. OK, I really just wanted to put a picture of them on this list and they don't have any orange clothes and it's my blog so there.

What are some of your favorite orange things?

Doesn't share well with others.

Recently Billy brought me home some candy corn. He's so good about doing little things for me like that. Usually they involve food, but at least he understands the way to my heart. Presents and food. It seems I wasn't the only one enjoying his gift, however...

I came around the corner the other day to find someone attempting to help themselves to my candy corn stash. I say attempting...he was successful at one point. I finally had to move it. He has a sweet tooth like nobody's business, and I certainly have no idea where he gets it from.

This tractor has been his accomplice in many a crime around our house. There have even been times when I had to take it from him. He's used it to let himself out of doors (the front door, his bedroom door...), he's used it to turn on lights, snatch things like sacred candy corn, run over sisters, and generally trash the place. His little sister has even taken to riding it, and I'm hoping she doesn't plan to use it as a weapon against me, also.

He's so cute it was hard to be mad. But when it comes to sweets, I don't like to share. I'm convinced one of the reasons God gave me children is to teach me to share my food.

Check out more shots at Communal Global

Macro Monday

There is no such thing as taking too much time, because your soul is in that picture.
- Ruth Bernhard

I'm glad that God takes this approach with me. He has all the time in the world, and is totally invested in what I'm going to become. He isn't rushing, isn't pushing, just waiting and leading. He can already see the finished product, too. Knowing that He loves me, and He's seen the me now and completed...amazing.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. - Philippians 1:6

Check out more macro shots at Lisa's Chaos

Don't I get one phone call?

I am not much of a phone person. I can text like nobody's business, on the treadmill, during labor, in my sleep, etc...but I've never really been one to sit and chat on the telephone. Don't get me wrong, there are friends that I love talking to, and don't get to talk to enough (on the phone or in person), but I'm really bad about phone calls.

I think my issue with this has definitely been made worse by my children. When I do finally find the time to call someone I have been missing and want to chat with, they respond with screaming, crying, fighting, stunt-diving, madness. So usually, I just wait to call friends until Billy is home and can corral them for a minute. It also doesn't help that we live out in the woods, and have to go outside on the porch to make a call on our cell phones. (We haven't had a house phone ever...cuz that's more money we can spend on CFA. Kidding. Sort of.)

So alot of times I will wait till nap time, and creep out on the porch where I can listen for would-be nap time avoiders, and attempt to call some type of adult who can have a conversation that doesn't involve "more chockit meeelk!" This is what I was doing the other day when this happened. Oh he was really quiet. He managed to get this done even though I was constantly sticking my head in the door to listen for signs of a jail break.

He managed to nearly silently get out of his room, help himself to a snack, sip a little of my coffee, and trash his bedroom. Needless to say, naptime will be under much tighter security from now on. So if I don't answer your phone calls...please refer to this post. This is most likely what I'm doing. I'll call you when second shift comes in.

Who needs pets?

We used to have pets...cats actually, and then we moved into a house that doesn't allow animals, We are kind of sneaking under that rule though, if you ask me. Because there are some pretty wild animals up in here.

I do miss him, but I realize that my kids do everything the cat used to do, and more. He used to scratch me and bite me...the kids make sure that I don't do a day without some sort of injury. (usually accidental, but ya know...) He also used to make giant messes with the litter box. The kids make sure that I don't have a chance to miss changing a litter box, and use as many diapers/take as many bathroom breaks as possible. The messier the better.

The cat also used to stomp on me while I was trying to sleep...so much so that we nicknamed him "the night stomper". My kids fill that void by waking up in the middle of the night, waking at the crack of dawn, and making sure to scream loudly when they do the waking up.

The cat was also pretty demanding about wanting a share of whatever I was eating, especially ice cream. He used to sit beside me and wait till I was done so he could lick the bowl. My kids? They don't even wait until I finish to help me with my food. Sometimes they are sweet enough to even take it from me before I eat it.

They are so thoughtful. I don't know where I would be without them to make sure I don't miss having a cat around. ;)

The Man Behind the Kids.

I am always blogging about my kids, and the crazy things they've been up to. So today I just wanted to take a minute and blog about the man behind the kids. Or the man who caused the kids, whatever. ;) He's awesome...even if he does like the Redskins and always leaves his shirts hanging on the bedposts.

He changes poop diapers, washes laundry on his days off, works 2 jobs, goes to get me slushies from Sheetz at all hours of the night, and is an expert at playing with my hair. No, you can't have him. And yes, I'm so grateful for him. Ok, enough mushy stuff...they kids are currently trying to escape out the front door like convicts. Duty calls. ;)

Check out more shots at Perceptive Perspectives

Wrasslin

There are lots of bedtime rituals when you have kids. I think a lot of people attempt to calm their children down before putting them to bed. But we don't usually do things like normal people. My husband has another approach to bedtime.

He likes to wind our kids up before putting them in bed, particularly by wrestling. Merrick loves it, and Tirzah tries her best to join in. And for some odd reason, they both sleep great. Maybe the "wear 'em out" philosophy he holds to actually works.

Merrick actually asks "daddy, I crash you?" when Billy is home at night. "Crash" being his 2yo term for wrestling. It reminds me of the line from Nacho Libre...."They are just ninos trying to release their wiggles." And give their mother a heart attack. I'm not opposed to wrestling, just the wound up children part.

I'm glad that they have a daddy who is very involved in their lives. He doesn't always do things the way I would...(you should see what is going on when I get back from the gym in the mornings...our last name should be Barnum) but I think that's a good thing. Makes me realize that my way isn't always the best way. Even when it comes to bedtime habits.

I guess the family that growls together gets a good nights' sleep together...?

Check out more shots at Mamarazzi Monday and fatmumslim

Sweet Fangs

So apparently, sometimes, sweet tooth's can get a little ugly. I mean, I know when you want something sweet it's hard to resist...but Tizzy took it to an extreme the other day while we were at the mall.

 She's always liked to eat, while Merrick eats like a bird. *Some days I can barely make him eat...while anytime day or night Tirzah will accept gifts of food ;)*

 We went to our most favorite place (chick-a-fway, as M calls it) and on a whim Billy decided to get a cookies and creme milkshake. (This was an upgrade from our usual. We turn in the kids' meal book and get a little ice cream cup.) We knew we were going to have to share with our two young vultures, but weren't quite prepared for the monster fit Tirzah threw when she had to share with someone.

 I think we were nearly arrested for child abuse. Until people noticed that she stopped screaming when there was a milkshake in her mouth. Next time I think we'll stick with the ice cream cup...this was a bit too much work. ;)

Faces

I always find myself looking back through pictures of my son and daughter. I take a lot of pictures of them...so it's easy to see the little changes they go through. It's easy to see the ways they are alike, and the ways they are different. Its also easy to see how fast they are changing.

I also notice how much I'm changing. Little wrinkles and laugh lines that make me a bit freaked out, but at the same time grateful for the memories that caused those smiles and laughter.

I think it's easy to get wrapped up in the fear of passing time, and to get lost in the longings for what used to be. But if I am constantly focused on times gone by I can't be present where I am...here where I need to be. There are memories that I can treasure...but I don't want to miss a minute with these faces.

I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that. ~Lauren Bacall