The Belly

Several people have asked me to post a picture of "the belly". I think, with each pregnancy, the belly has been less and less photographed. (Usually they say that happens with your kids, but I think each of mine has more pics than the last...) With Merrick I took an official belly shot once a month and posted it all over Facebook. (Oh the things I used to have time for...) So, I finally decided to post a belly pic. I can't decide if I look huge or not-so-huge...so I won't think about it too much. But this is me and Miss Amaryllis at 30 weeks...can't wait till she's outta there and we get to see that sweet face!

Either way, it IS big enough that you can't tell that Billy is currently on a work phone call at the desk behind me. ;)

Sneak Peek

I've always wanted to have a 3D ultrasound done. We had a little snapshot of Jericho, a nice ultrasound tech at my doctor's office flipped whatever "switch" they flip and let us see his face in 3D really quick. But other than that I'd always just decided, in the expense that is baby, it was one I didn't need. This time around, though...with it absolutely (unless God somehow intervenes supernaturally and makes me a liar) being the last time I will be doing this, I decided it would make a great Mother's Day present. ;)

I'm pretty glad we decided to do it. It was amazing to "see" her. (I think all babies tend to look a little bit the same in these ultrasounds, so I'm really not sure she'll look exactly like this.) It made it real in a totally different way than the usual kicking and wiggling and basic ultrasounds do. We felt a lot more connected to her, even though that sounds cheesy. Almost like we got to meet her a little bit early.

It was fun to watch her just doing her thing...which at first was holding her hands, AND a leg, in front of her face so we couldn't actually see her face. She's already learning stunts from her big brother, Jericho, who likes to show me the back of his head when I ask for a picture. We caught her yawning (above pic), sticking out her tongue, opening her eyes, and even sucking her thumb (pic below)! (Sidenote: We DID see her grab the cord and play with it...in the above picture you can see it right beside her face...so the doctor could have been right about that being the cause of the heart rate dips the other day. Baby girl needs to find a new toy...like one of those cute feet. But I guess as far as stuff to do goes...a baby does run out of things to play with in there. My apologies, kid.)

I'm really glad we ended up doing this. It was fun for the kids to see her too...they are so excited about her being born. Honestly, as many times a day as they talk to/kiss my stomach I'm starting to have personal space issues. I didn't' even think that was possible at this point in my life. It is so sweet to watch them love her so much already, though, so I'll deal with having my space invaded in silence for a while longer.

We are in the single digits now with our weekly countdown. (Well...I'm 30 weeks...so there's less than 10 full weeks until my due date. I'm not anticipating making it that far, since Barron babies have a history of being early to the party.) I know this time will fly by, and I really hope so. (I'm miserable in the comfort department, y'all, but I'll keep that on the DL, cuz no one likes a whiner. ;) But at the same time, I plan to enjoy this time with no round-the-clock feedings, tiny diapers everywhere, and the freedom to do things with the big kids...even if the waddling slows us down a little.

What They Don't Tell You

So, before you're pregnant, you have all these ideas (well, I did anyway) of how fabulous being pregnant is. I mean, it is pretty fabulous to grow a human inside your body...but it's also a lot of other things. Like uncomfortable, and exhausting beyond my wildest dreams, (and believe me...4 pregnancies later I have some wild dreams about exhaustion) and absolutely terrifying.



Ok, not ALL of my pregnancies have been terrifying, but this one? Ohmygosh. So much. I know it had everything to do with losing Charis in the beginning. I'd never experienced even a tiny threat of losing a baby...but when we lost her my mind just went there. Everywhere and every way that this pregnancy could have problems was on my mind. Every thing that happened or didn't happen filled me with dread and fear. Sure, there was so much thanks and joy that Amaryllis has always been a healthy, wiggly, growing baby...but always the what if we lose her just like her sister?



My husband has told me so many times I can't think like that...but it's so hard not to. So hard not to just want this to be over...have her here and out of my belly where I can't do anything should something be wrong. Sometimes being pregnant, while so amazing and empowering, makes you feel so helpless. I guess that's probably the point. It's probably where God wants me...but I think He probably understands that I don't particularly like it.

So today, we had a little scare with the baby. (We noticed a few drops in heart rate while listening to her heartbeat. The doctors think it is probably just her rolling onto the cord, or even squeezing it/playing with it. To that I say: stop that, missy.) But it was scary to hear her heart slow down like that. It always sped back up, that beloved little galloping noise that sounds like so much life, but those moments when it slowed down were definitely fear-filled for me. I'm still not satisfied that "all is well"...and probably won't be until I'm finally holding her, but am having to trust that the doctors know more than I do, and reassure myself that she literally kicks me nonstop so she's obviously not lacking energy. The doctors did a non-stress test (thankfully my first out of all these babies) and said that her heart rate, and the little fluctuations, are exactly what they want to see.

This pregnancy has stretched me so much. Not just physically...but sometimes I just feel emotionally empty from the peaks and valleys that have been these last 30 weeks. I've had to realize that another one of the things they don't tell you about pregnancy is just how completely out of your hands it all is. So many even-tinier miracles wrapped up in the growing of one tiny miracle, and all of them out of my hands. Makes it all that much more scary...but all that
much more amazing at the same time. Maybe one of these days, I'll realize that my tiny little grabs at control really are futile. And letting it all go, into the hands of that the One who makes the miracles, is the only way they can happen.

My Name Is...

No...not Slim Shady. It's "Jejoe Howt Bebben." He just started saying his name today, out of the blue. I'd never heard him say it before, even though I tell him what his name is all the time. He even took it one step further and started saying his brother and sister's names: "Bubba Howt" and "Izzy Howt". Apparently in his mind I'm very uncreative with the middle names and all of the kids have Hawk as their middle name. ;) Oh well...it's a start.

Snuggle Sandwich

This guy is draining every last second out of being the "official" baby of the family. I think maybe he kinda sorta knows something is about to change around here. Maybe not...maybe he's just rotten. That's Billy's opinion on the subject anyway.

But for now, while I still have a little lap left, I'm going to take all of this I can get. He does tend to be a little rough, and occasionally these snuggling sessions feel like a fight between him and his little sister. She's punching me from the inside, and he's elbowing from the outside. 

But I think as far as sandwiches go, this is one I don't mind being in the middle of for the next couple months.