Nothing is Lost

I'm sure by now most of you guys who read this have probably heard about what happened at the end of last week. We went to to doctor for our second ultrasound, the one where we would find out how both babies were doing since there were concerns with the first ultrasound. I spent most of Friday a nervous wreck. I tried not to be...but it seemed like no matter how many times I prayer or what scriptures I tried to hold onto I was just anxious.

When we got to the office and the tech started the scan, I think Billy and I both knew as soon as we saw the babies that we had lost Baby A. Baby B was bigger, and had a serious case of the wiggles (adorable! but I didn't really have the emotional capacity to notice at the time). The tech had a good look at Baby B first, measuring and checking it's heart rate (175...good and strong). Then she moved over to Baby A. It wasn't moving, and in my heart I remember just begging it to please move. Please. Even though I knew, because it had obviously not grown much since the last time we saw it, watched it's little heart flutter on the screen and fell in love, I still just wanted it to move. Wanted it's heart to beat. Would have given who knows what to make it live long enough for me to hold it and smell its new sweet skin. I think in that moment I felt crushed by all the moments I knew we'd never have together.

I somehow held it together for the most part during the rest of the scan. I credit that to simple denial and numbness. The tech was very kind, offering us tissues and reassuring us that there was nothing we could have done, and that Baby B would most likely not be affected in any way by losing it's precious twin. My doctor came in and talked a bit, and scheduled us for our next ultrasound on January 9th. (They have no concerns for Baby B, this is just a routine ultrasound we've always done between 11 and 13 weeks. Baby B will be 12 weeks at that point.)

Even though she reassured us there was nothing we could have done...I just remember thinking how awful it was to see my sweet baby, not moving, wishing I could hold it, help it, fix it somehow. I'm it's mama...isn't that what mamas do? The helpless feeling of carrying it still, even today, with me, even though it's really not there, is just a constant heartbreak. I have heard of people dealing with miscarriages...I've been blessed to never experience it until now. Trust me...to say it absolutely sucks is putting it nicely. You feel so robbed, arms you were expecting to fill will never be full of this child's life.

There have been so many people who have prayed for us, loved Baby A with us, and I can't help but be grateful for the short life it lived. I remember praying that God would use these twins for His glory, and so far He's done just that. I don't like the way He chose to do it. I don't think He expects me to, either, but I know that He has. So many have shared stories with me about their losses, and told me they've been encouraged watching our faith through this, that I know He has been seen in this. Even through my tears.

I don't want this to be about me, though. I sincerely hate too much attention. I remember telling my mom, after we announced we were having twins, that I felt like a circus animal. (No offense, it was wonderful attention and we are so grateful for the loving people in our lives, but the introvert in me just wanted to crawl in a hole.) This continued after we lost one of our twins. I have realized though, that God also used this to kind of force my hand. I don't share with people. I'm intensely private about my hurts for the most part. I like to lick my wounds without anyone watching. God let this be a public hurt for me, so that I could hurt with other people. People who it helped to share their stories, and people who helped me by sharing their stories.

There have been so many bits and pieces of encouragement over the past weekend. I think the one thing that really comforted me the most though, if anything could, was a letter Billy sent me by John Piper. It talked about how this baby I lost, it will know me as it's mother in Heaven. God will see to that. And I will know this baby. And this sweet baby I didn't get to raise here on earth will thank me for suffering the loss so that they could have their reward sooner. They didn't have to experience any hurt. It was loved so thoroughly in the weeks I was able to carry it, and the first thing it saw was Jesus. I mean, isn't that what being a mama is all about? Loving my babies, the ones here and the one in Heaven, so much that I'm willing to sacrifice my wants for their good. I wanted that baby fiercely, as soon as I knew it was there...but I am comforted knowing it will never hurt, never be sick, never be alone, always surrounded by joy and light and our Savior. What more could I ask for?

To give ourselves some closure, and give Baby A a place in our family, we decided to name *her* Charis Eden, meaning "grace" and "paradise". It was because of grace that we were even able to know this baby, and even more grace that her first sight, her first and forever home, was Paradise.

Thank you so much for all the prayers and thoughtful words, and for reading this. Thank you for sharing in this with us, and for loving Baby A with us. It lived a short, but truly loved, life. Kind of like a shooting star, or an amazing sunset...you only get to see it for a moment, but it's burned into your memory, God's hand is obvious in it's creation, and you're glad you got to see it if only for a second.

And He takes the empty hands and draws me close to the thrum of Love. You may suffer loss but in Me is anything ever lost, really? Isn’t everything that belongs to Christ also yours? Loved ones lost still belong to Him—then aren’t they still yours? Do I not own the cattle on a thousand hills; everything? Aren’t then all provisions, in Christ, also yours? If you haven’t lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost.”  - Ann Voskamp

Twins

Are you sitting there staring at the title the way I was staring at an ultrasound screen a few weeks ago? Kind of not sure what to think, with your mouth hanging open, wondering if that means what you THINK it means? Two weeks ago to be exact, I went in to have my first checkup on what I assumed was baby Barron #4. It was actually baby Barron #4 and #5. We had prayerfully considered having a 4th baby for the last few months, but got a little more than we expected out of that decision. ;)

We are completely totally thrilled shocked terrified petrified ecstatic, and also 100% certain we have lost our minds. I literally spent about a week sobbing and laughing hysterically. It was fun to add 'emotional meltdown of epic proportions' to the list of symptoms I was already trying to hide, like nausea and bone-deep first trimester exhaustion. I mean, I'd cry watching football games people, and not because my Cowboys were losing.

We are completely thrilled as I said, and also (more me than Billy) already filled with a double portion of worries and anxiety to go along with a twin pregnancy. I'm a pretty healthy girl, but carrying two babies as I've learned recently, is a lot different than carrying one. There are lots of risks that I just didn't have to think about with a singleton...and being the worrier that I am, I've really had to spend countless hours praying and pouring over Scripture to remind myself that I didn't create these precious babies, and I can't make them grow. They are totally in God's hands, as they should be.

During the ultrasound both babies were measuring right on schedule, and in separate sacs. This, they assured me, often means there is less risk for the babies since they have their own "space". They were a little concerned, however, that one of the babies heart rate was a little bit slower than they'd like to see. They started throwing around terms like "vanishing twin", and sending me on an emotional roller coaster of wanting to love and mother them both, but being afraid to let myself get attached to a baby they said could vanish even before our next ultrasound. This has definitely added to the emotional upheaval of the last couple of weeks as well.

I want to say I've handled it serenely and with grace, but honestly I've spent most of my time worrying and wondering and crying and praying and just reaching for assurance. The last couple of weeks have dragged by in slow motion, just wanting to see them both and know they are ok. (We go back tomorrow, Friday the 27th, for our next ultrasound.) It hasn't all been hysterics, there have been moments where I know, I remember, that even if something happens to either baby, I haven't been robbed of being their mother. These unexpected gifts are just that...gifts. I didn't do anything to deserve them, and can't honestly do anything to keep them safe right now. I just have to trust the one who already knows them intimately because He made them. I have to have faith in Him, and remember to open my hand and willingly accept all that He gives, whether it hurts or not. I don't always understand what is happening, but I can trust it's for His glory. And His glory is the best thing for me.

So, deep breath, trying to be prepared for anything, while also being totally in this moment I've been given, loving and enjoying carrying these two precious prune-sized people. (10 weeks along!) I've never prayed so much in my life, cried so much, laughed so much, been so in awe and so scared at the same time. I mean...TWO BABIES? Even for a hooligan-tamer that sounds like exhaustion...of the best kind. Typically with twins you deliver early, but our due date is officially July 23rd.

If you're reading this, we would absolutely appreciate your prayers. Prayers for the health and strength of both of these precious babies, for my health and strength and that I can carry them for all the time they need to be born healthy and yelling at the world, for our finances, and that we remember, no matter what the outcome, that we are swamped with His grace. Thankful for each of you that took the time to read the emotional outpouring of a hysterical pregnant girl. At least now that the secret is out I don't have to pretend I am not a hormonal puddle. ;) *Yes, I'm crying now, too.* Our family, the two newest members included, are blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives.

A Little Bit More

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

This is one of my very favorite Christmastime quotes, because its that moment of realization for the grinch, the moment where everything suddenly is clear and he just gets it. I think, sitting here looking at this picture of my most precious earthly gifts, is my moment this Christmas to just get it. I feel like there is a moment like that every year, every season really, of my life. Where God's grace and gifts, ones I understand and ones I will have to wait to understand, are so obvious to me that I can't help but  stare in wonder. And in turn can't help but be so humbly grateful. So this Christmas, I am hoping that for each of you that happen to read this...that you see with worship-stirring clarity the beauty and grace of the gifts that can't be put under a tree. Merry Christmas!

Cookie Monsters

Occasionally I get a whim. It's not easy to follow through with whims when you have 3 kids...especially if it involves going out of the house. In this particular case it did. The kids were troopers, though. And of course it started raining when we were supposed to get out of the car at the store. Never fails. ;)

We had decided to make some Christmas cookies for our nearby neighbors/landlord. Austin-Lee does not bake, so naturally these cookies are of the break-and-bake variety. It would also appear that this time of year is NOT a good time to get icing for said cookies, so after the wandering to several different sections of the store we were able to find mostly what we were looking for.

We got home and baked and decorated, and ate of course. Tirzah ate more icing than she used to ice cookies. The kids had some interesting designs...I'm hoping the neighbors appreciate modern art style Christmas cookies. I made sure to specify that they were hand-decorated by the kids. That way they don't realize that I decorated half of them myself and just am really that bad at art. ;)

Tacky.

Back around Thanksgiving Billy and I (and my sister Abby) had signed up to do the 6k Tacky Light Run here in RVA. It combined several of my favorite things: Running, Christmas lights, and my Sistatwin (oh and Billy). So what's not to love? And yes, I ran 4 miles with those blinking lights on my head. (And I was definitely one of the underdressed participants...I didn't have any actual Christmas lights on my person.)

I was not terribly excited about the weather, 40 degree rain, but runners know you run in any kind of weather, and one does not miss a race unless their leg is broken. Plus they were handing out cute little gingerbread house medals at the finish, as well as Christmas cookies. Talk about awesome post-race food. There was also a cookie stop at about mile 2. Amazing, even in the pouring rain. I won't turn down a cookie, soggy or not.

It was definitely fun once we got started. Standing around in the rain waiting to start wasn't fun, but once we got moving it wasn't bad at all and we warmed right up. There were tons of great decorated houses along the course...lots of tacky light. Also plenty of brave spectators who stood outside their homes to cheer us on and yell "Merry Christmas" to the hoards of soaking wet lunatics with blinking lights on themselves running through their neighborhood in the dark. Runners love to be a bit tacky, and they loved to be yelled at, so it was a perfect combo.

Of course, the mother in me is thinking: "the hooligans are going to LOVE all this blinking stuff when I get home!" The race organizers handed out glow bracelets and necklaces and headbands, etc. Abby even got blinking antlers. And as expected...the hooligans haven't taken it off since. (I did make them take them off for church this morning, however.) Tackiness....the gift that keep on giving. ;)

Doughnut Therapy

I saw on Facebook recently about Krispy Kreme doing a special on 12-12, where you can guy a dozen doughnuts/get a dozen free. I am usually SO well behaved when it comes to food...like so much so that my husband wants to stuff candy in my face, that I decided this was a perfect cheat moment.

What I didn't realize was just how much, at the end of a crazy day, a doughnut makes you feel better. I'm totally not a fan of eating your feelings, because once I get going I can't stop, but in light of how yesterday was crazy for a couple of different reasons, it was nice to kinda say "take that, responsible eating habits". I mean, sometimes you just gotta stick it to the man. Or your paleo diet. (I love paleo, but occasionally a doughnut shaped like a snowman comes along and you only live once.)

I might add I also ate Chinese food last night for dinner. Another go-to stress meal for me. Obviously I need a vacation of some sort. I really can't afford a vacation, so for now the doughnuts are just going to have to do the trick. ;)

Cheaters Never Prosper

The other night me and the older two hooligans played a couple of rounds of Candy Land. (It's really sad that I keep wanting to call it "Candy Crush".) The big headed goofball pictured below was not allowed to play, but he made up for it by playing tricks on everyone and snatching game pieces. He's kind of a terrorist.

I had to give the kiddos several different lessons on cheating. These two will win or take all around them down trying. Oh, I am supposed to move one orange space? Who will notice if I actually move TWO orange spaces. Hmmm. I don't think so, kiddo.

Merrick's favorite game playing tactics are taunting and then throwing a humongous whining fit in the floor if he happens to lose. It's almost as bad as the hysterical fit he throws when he wins.

Don't be fooled by their smiling faces. They are out for blood. They will steal your turn if you don't watch it. They will also steal your sanity if you attempt to play a calm family board game.

This is the part where Jericho decided he needed to accent the board with a blue crayon. He's a thoughtful sort of guy you know.

All jokes aside...these jokers are fun to play with. Their tactics may need some work, but they at least can't be accused of not keeping it interesting.

Wintery Weekend

There was a lot of winter-themed shenanigans going on this past weekend. Our city had it's Grand Illumination and the Christmas parade. I took the hooligans to both completely alone last year, so I was pretty excited when that Billy's new job (while he is gone from 7am-7pm most days) allows him to be off on the weekends and he could assist me in the hooligan herding at Christmas festivities.

The Grand Illumination was a lot of fun...we looked at the lights, ate a funnel cake, chased Jericho through the city, comforted Jericho when he couldn't handle the sight of Santa and carried him for half the evening. I think he was afraid Santa was waiting to make a sneak attack and he obviously doesn't trust the man, so he wouldn't let me put him down. This is cute when you don't weight 35 pounds.

The next morning we went to the Christmas parade. It was a bit on the chilly side. I'm raising winter wimps, just like myself, I'm afraid. We got there, found a good spot, and Merrick and Tirzah said, "We're cold...can we go to lunch now?" The parade hadn't even started yet. We toughed it out...me ending up sitting on the frozen sidewalk holding two hooligans (Jericho either doesn't know how to express that he's cold, or all that padding kept him nice and warm) who were ONLY warm in that position. The things you do for your offspring.

We did end up making an exit from the parade before it was over. We had parked in a spot close enough that we could kinda see from the van...so we finished the last 30 minutes warm and cozy. Merrick later told me, "Winter is the worst thing. EVER", so I think, like his mother, he just doesn't have quite the constitution to survive winter weather. (And yes, I KNOW 40 degrees isn't "winter weather" to some of you people...but to that I say brrr.)

Sunday ended up being a day where we pretty much sat in the house and did nothing. It was magical. It was sleeting and raining (lovely combo) so we just stayed home and enjoyed each other's company. And by "enjoyed each other's company" I mean we kept ripping Merrick and Tirzah apart and had to scrub the wall because Jericho colored on it. Oh, and we did watch some football and eat ice cream. So I guess it all evened out.

Jericho Needs Some Attention

That statement is probably not true. I think he gets plenty of attention. I just don't think I've written nearly the same amount about his "growing up" on the blog as I did with the other two. (#thirdbabyproblems) So I just wanted to take a second to post a few pictures of one of my favorite faces. He is a goofball, and even though I may not document his every first...he certainly is leaving his mark on our daily lives.

So thankful for this "big ol' baby"! Speaking of, he is so much too quiet right now...I think because he's putting things in the toilet that don't go in the toilet. So really, I could probably relieve myself of some guilt by saying it's his own fault he doesn't make the blog much. If he'd just stop putting stuff in the toilet every time I try to blog...

Gifted

Recently at church we've been doing a women's Bible study. It's been based on the book 1000 Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. I've always loved her writing. I cry about 90% of the time I read her blog. So I've really enjoyed the in-depth study, and the fellowship with people who don't need me to change their diapers.

It's been good to be reminded of how much grace I'm given, and how that grace shows itself in the many gifts (ones I may recognize, and ones I may never quite understand...good and seemingly bad) I've been given through no doing of my own. *deep breath* Nothing I did to deserve it...meaning nothing I can do to lose that same grace. Such a comforting reality.

Realizing this, this undeserved gifting of enormous grace, is fitting of the Christmas season. We are surrounded by lots of warm and fuzzy and glitter this time of year. But for all our talk of the "reason for the season" I think it's even bigger than we realize. It's not just about not being materialistic...it's about being wrapped up in grace. It's about seeing that grace and thanking Him for it. Seeing it in every one of the tiny moments that make up the seasons we walk through, gifted beyond what can be put under a tree or even always completely understood by our human hearts.

Christmas-ified

We decorated for Christmas this past weekend. The hooligans are thrilled. So many news things to trash! (Jericho might not have said that out loud, but I'm preeetttty sure he thought it.) So many more lights to unplug and strangle each other with! (They haven't officially strangled each other yet, but I have seen lights strands used to lasso sisters.)

I tried to take a few pictures of the hooligans amidst the Christmas decor. Too bad doing so removed most of my Christmas cheer. ;) That picture in the Christmas ball? Ohmyword. This will be the last year I try that. (I also think I said that last year. I know I did. But it's just so funny. I mean look at Jericho's head. It's even bigger than usual.) I took about 40 shots, and that one up there? THE ONLY one that all 3 of their heads were pointing the same direction and no one was crying. No, I'm not exaggerating. Ask Billy.

The picture about turned out a little better. Maybe because it's really hard for them to look any direction but up when laying on their backs with me standing on their legs so they don't roll away. (Prettymuch.) I do love that Jericho liked to say "cheese" now, in pictures. It shows off all his gap teefers.

Billy decorated the outside of the house for us. Jericho is smitten with all the lights. His first word was "light", and it's still his favorite, and so now he has SO MUCH to talk about. Christmas lights are everywhere...so as a man of the fewest words, now he's never short on conversation starters.

Since Billy decorated the outside of the house, the older two hooligans took it upon themselves to decorate the inside of the house. I got back from a run, and these lights were strung up across the living room between the plug and the upstairs balcony. We have since convinced them to relocate their set of lights elsewhere, because I knew it was only a matter of time before it crossed Merrick's little mind to use those lights in a Tarzan-esque move that will surely break something. 

Last night I had put out some cute little candy canes in a festive Christmas container by the door. (I hadn't really intended on eating them, since I'm not a fan, but I'm sure they will slowly disappear anyway as someone named Billy who will remain nameless will snatch them as he leaves the house.) I overheard Tirzah attempting to make the first snatch, and Merrick yelling at her: "No Tirzah! Those are only for customers!" Uhhh...what exactly does he think we are selling around here?

I'm really enjoying seeing Christmas through their eyes as usual. And putting things on their heads while we shop. Always. ;)