I was here.

I remember as a middle schooler, writing "Austin-Lee wuz here" on lots of things. I don't know if anyone else remembers doing that, or if it was just one more of the ways I was weird as a middle schooler. (But honestly...who is NOT weird as a middle schooler?) Anyway, I was running yesterday afternnoon (Yes...it was HOT. But it was the only time I could go, and believe me...I needed to go.) and was listening to music and thinking. It's fabulous to actually be able to just listen to music and think. As an introvert mom of four wild souls who have enough energy to light up this town, I need that space. I do some of my best thinking while I'm running. Probably because I don't have to think things like "have I eaten today?" or "what is that noise?" or "when was the last time I saw Jericho...he's probably halfway across town by now and I'm going to be reported to social services" or "will Amaryllis ever stop crying?"


So while I was out there, sweating myself into a puddle and loving every minute of it, a Beyonce song came on. (My music taste is all over the place.) It was "I Was Here", which I'm sure a lot of you have heard. Here are some of the lyrics:

I want to say I lived each day, until I died

And know that I meant something in, somebody's life

The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave

That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here

I lived, I loved

I was here

I had one of those moments where a song you previously thought was kinda sappy and cheesy just hits you in the right spot. Kind of like that Christmas Shoes song...which I promise has only made me cry like once. I caught myself thinking of the kids, (I know I know...I was supposed to turn off that part of my brain.) and picturing their precious faces, and thinking how often it's just a struggle, just bearing down and gritting my teeth and clean up one more puddle of chocolate milk, or pee. Make one more sippy cup full of juice. Hold Amaryllis while she screams in my ear for another hour. Wake up to a different one of these four faces every hour throughout the night all needing me for some reason or another. To break up one more fight. To try and teach one more lesson so they grow up to be people who truly love, feel, and care. To just try to make it. Try not to fall apart or lose my mind from the sheer repetition and boredom that I love and hate all at the same time.

I realized in that moment something I know I'll forget in so many more, when the battle to raise these souls is fierce and lonely and wearing me thin. I realized just how much I want to leave a mark on their lives. Not for me, but for them. I want them to look back at growing up and be happy, I want them to grow up and BE...whatever it is they are supposed to be and do it with all they've got because they saw me give it all I had. I want them to know how to live to their full capacity, to be wild and brave and strong and them. I want them to cling joyfully to the One who knit them together, and because their foundation is strong they won't be moved, but will move the world. I know that I'm tired, but the same as when I'm running and loving the beauty I find in exhausting myself, I want to exhaust myself so they will know: who they are, and who He is. I want to be here, in the middle of the beauty in this exhaustion...and hope that in turn they will live the same, and be able to say there were here.