Busy, Beyond Exhuasted...and Bored?

I typically like to keep it funny over here. No one wants to read a blog of gloom, right? I do break out the serious every once in awhile though. Today is one of those days. It's coming from a recent conversation me and Billy had. (We've had this conversation before, but had it again this past monday. Mondays are so hard for some reason. I think it's just the starting over, the whole week ahead with so much I'm supposed to be doing, and so many people I'm supposed to be keeping alive and not filthy, and teaching lots of stuff.) Anyway...Monday was a rough one.

I have often wondered how it is that I can be SO busy, and yet some days, so...bored. (Life with 3 small kids is nothing but busy. I hit the floor running in the morning and it's one thing after another. Breakfast and laundry, and school and cleaning up the mess breakfast made just in time for it to be lunch and more hungry people making more of a mess to clean up, and getting Jericho out of all kinds of trouble, taking people here and there, trying to be a decent member of society and church and family and it always seems like it's my week/day/month somewhere to do something, bring something, take care of something. It's all things that I want to do...but that doesn't mean they aren't exhausting. Some days I think if I pour one more sippy cup of juice, or make one more sandwich, or clean up one more sticky mess I didn't make, or have to take one more trip to the store with 3 people who only want to wreak havoc all over the place so that I can't remember even why I'm at the store, or break up one more fight, or trip over one more toy.

Sidenote: I can hear it now...the "you'll miss this" comments. My soul just wants to curl up and die a little bit even thinking about hearing it. When someone like me finally admits to being tired, this someone who never whines, I loathe whining, my husband can attest to how often he's heard me say *suck it up, buttercup*, the ensuing round of unhelpful "you'll miss this" comments really just serve to tell me that my tired isn't ok. I shouldn't share that. It's not ok to be worn down by the tough job of constantly giving up what I want and need for the wants and needs of 3, 4, really 5, other people who depend on me daily. When anyone reaches out for community, encouragement, prayer, or just a "you're doing good work, and yeah it's ok to be tired", we should take the opportunity to give that encouragement, not further drive in the nail of covering up our struggles. Life is dirty, grungy, brutal, and beautiful...but we can't see all the sides of it when we hide the sandpaper that makes us shine.

I don't want to sound snarky here at all, just honest. I never said I wouldn't miss my children. I know I will. I miss them now just watching them grow. I adore being a mom. I wanted to do it, felt led and called to do it, wouldn't trade it for any other occupation. I feel fulfilled pouring my days into their lives. But please, don't correct me (or anyone else doing what they love) for being exhausted. We don't tell a professional athlete not to feel exhausted after competing in the event of their lives. We won't fuss and wag our fingers at a businessman for needing a vacation, or to unplug once in awhile. We wouldn't tell a teacher not to look forward to summer break. We'd never dream of telling a soldier they don't need to come home and rest after deployment. Why should we fuss at moms for needing rest? This is our job. It's what we do all day every day, and the monotony, even of something you love, can feel like exhausted boredom sometimes. It can rub you raw.

But that predictability, that beautifully boring routing, also serves to remind me of the blessing of being with these precious people everyday. It doesn't lessen how tough it can be, but it reminds me to hold on to the One who knows how my soul craves rest and peace and understanding. He made me to love sunshine, traveling, peace and quiet, and warm beaches...none of which are on my schedule right now. But He knew this...He knows this. My life and all it's gritty glory is in His hands, and He is using the grit to scrape away the ugly stuff. He uses those people that wear me out to love me. He shows me that our beyond-tight budget, which often feels suffocating, shows me with no fluff exactly where He's providing. He shows me that with every sandwich I make, every load of laundry I do, every sticky mess I clean, I'm being made new. Prepared for the day when it will be all warmth and light and rest. It hurts, it's boring, it's stressful...but when I let go of forcing my life to only gleam and sparkle, I can appreciate the times that it does even more, and learn to embrace the beauty that the boredom brings.