Twins

Are you sitting there staring at the title the way I was staring at an ultrasound screen a few weeks ago? Kind of not sure what to think, with your mouth hanging open, wondering if that means what you THINK it means? Two weeks ago to be exact, I went in to have my first checkup on what I assumed was baby Barron #4. It was actually baby Barron #4 and #5. We had prayerfully considered having a 4th baby for the last few months, but got a little more than we expected out of that decision. ;)

We are completely totally thrilled shocked terrified petrified ecstatic, and also 100% certain we have lost our minds. I literally spent about a week sobbing and laughing hysterically. It was fun to add 'emotional meltdown of epic proportions' to the list of symptoms I was already trying to hide, like nausea and bone-deep first trimester exhaustion. I mean, I'd cry watching football games people, and not because my Cowboys were losing.

We are completely thrilled as I said, and also (more me than Billy) already filled with a double portion of worries and anxiety to go along with a twin pregnancy. I'm a pretty healthy girl, but carrying two babies as I've learned recently, is a lot different than carrying one. There are lots of risks that I just didn't have to think about with a singleton...and being the worrier that I am, I've really had to spend countless hours praying and pouring over Scripture to remind myself that I didn't create these precious babies, and I can't make them grow. They are totally in God's hands, as they should be.

During the ultrasound both babies were measuring right on schedule, and in separate sacs. This, they assured me, often means there is less risk for the babies since they have their own "space". They were a little concerned, however, that one of the babies heart rate was a little bit slower than they'd like to see. They started throwing around terms like "vanishing twin", and sending me on an emotional roller coaster of wanting to love and mother them both, but being afraid to let myself get attached to a baby they said could vanish even before our next ultrasound. This has definitely added to the emotional upheaval of the last couple of weeks as well.

I want to say I've handled it serenely and with grace, but honestly I've spent most of my time worrying and wondering and crying and praying and just reaching for assurance. The last couple of weeks have dragged by in slow motion, just wanting to see them both and know they are ok. (We go back tomorrow, Friday the 27th, for our next ultrasound.) It hasn't all been hysterics, there have been moments where I know, I remember, that even if something happens to either baby, I haven't been robbed of being their mother. These unexpected gifts are just that...gifts. I didn't do anything to deserve them, and can't honestly do anything to keep them safe right now. I just have to trust the one who already knows them intimately because He made them. I have to have faith in Him, and remember to open my hand and willingly accept all that He gives, whether it hurts or not. I don't always understand what is happening, but I can trust it's for His glory. And His glory is the best thing for me.

So, deep breath, trying to be prepared for anything, while also being totally in this moment I've been given, loving and enjoying carrying these two precious prune-sized people. (10 weeks along!) I've never prayed so much in my life, cried so much, laughed so much, been so in awe and so scared at the same time. I mean...TWO BABIES? Even for a hooligan-tamer that sounds like exhaustion...of the best kind. Typically with twins you deliver early, but our due date is officially July 23rd.

If you're reading this, we would absolutely appreciate your prayers. Prayers for the health and strength of both of these precious babies, for my health and strength and that I can carry them for all the time they need to be born healthy and yelling at the world, for our finances, and that we remember, no matter what the outcome, that we are swamped with His grace. Thankful for each of you that took the time to read the emotional outpouring of a hysterical pregnant girl. At least now that the secret is out I don't have to pretend I am not a hormonal puddle. ;) *Yes, I'm crying now, too.* Our family, the two newest members included, are blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives.

A Little Bit More

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

This is one of my very favorite Christmastime quotes, because its that moment of realization for the grinch, the moment where everything suddenly is clear and he just gets it. I think, sitting here looking at this picture of my most precious earthly gifts, is my moment this Christmas to just get it. I feel like there is a moment like that every year, every season really, of my life. Where God's grace and gifts, ones I understand and ones I will have to wait to understand, are so obvious to me that I can't help but  stare in wonder. And in turn can't help but be so humbly grateful. So this Christmas, I am hoping that for each of you that happen to read this...that you see with worship-stirring clarity the beauty and grace of the gifts that can't be put under a tree. Merry Christmas!

Cookie Monsters

Occasionally I get a whim. It's not easy to follow through with whims when you have 3 kids...especially if it involves going out of the house. In this particular case it did. The kids were troopers, though. And of course it started raining when we were supposed to get out of the car at the store. Never fails. ;)

We had decided to make some Christmas cookies for our nearby neighbors/landlord. Austin-Lee does not bake, so naturally these cookies are of the break-and-bake variety. It would also appear that this time of year is NOT a good time to get icing for said cookies, so after the wandering to several different sections of the store we were able to find mostly what we were looking for.

We got home and baked and decorated, and ate of course. Tirzah ate more icing than she used to ice cookies. The kids had some interesting designs...I'm hoping the neighbors appreciate modern art style Christmas cookies. I made sure to specify that they were hand-decorated by the kids. That way they don't realize that I decorated half of them myself and just am really that bad at art. ;)

Tacky.

Back around Thanksgiving Billy and I (and my sister Abby) had signed up to do the 6k Tacky Light Run here in RVA. It combined several of my favorite things: Running, Christmas lights, and my Sistatwin (oh and Billy). So what's not to love? And yes, I ran 4 miles with those blinking lights on my head. (And I was definitely one of the underdressed participants...I didn't have any actual Christmas lights on my person.)

I was not terribly excited about the weather, 40 degree rain, but runners know you run in any kind of weather, and one does not miss a race unless their leg is broken. Plus they were handing out cute little gingerbread house medals at the finish, as well as Christmas cookies. Talk about awesome post-race food. There was also a cookie stop at about mile 2. Amazing, even in the pouring rain. I won't turn down a cookie, soggy or not.

It was definitely fun once we got started. Standing around in the rain waiting to start wasn't fun, but once we got moving it wasn't bad at all and we warmed right up. There were tons of great decorated houses along the course...lots of tacky light. Also plenty of brave spectators who stood outside their homes to cheer us on and yell "Merry Christmas" to the hoards of soaking wet lunatics with blinking lights on themselves running through their neighborhood in the dark. Runners love to be a bit tacky, and they loved to be yelled at, so it was a perfect combo.

Of course, the mother in me is thinking: "the hooligans are going to LOVE all this blinking stuff when I get home!" The race organizers handed out glow bracelets and necklaces and headbands, etc. Abby even got blinking antlers. And as expected...the hooligans haven't taken it off since. (I did make them take them off for church this morning, however.) Tackiness....the gift that keep on giving. ;)

Doughnut Therapy

I saw on Facebook recently about Krispy Kreme doing a special on 12-12, where you can guy a dozen doughnuts/get a dozen free. I am usually SO well behaved when it comes to food...like so much so that my husband wants to stuff candy in my face, that I decided this was a perfect cheat moment.

What I didn't realize was just how much, at the end of a crazy day, a doughnut makes you feel better. I'm totally not a fan of eating your feelings, because once I get going I can't stop, but in light of how yesterday was crazy for a couple of different reasons, it was nice to kinda say "take that, responsible eating habits". I mean, sometimes you just gotta stick it to the man. Or your paleo diet. (I love paleo, but occasionally a doughnut shaped like a snowman comes along and you only live once.)

I might add I also ate Chinese food last night for dinner. Another go-to stress meal for me. Obviously I need a vacation of some sort. I really can't afford a vacation, so for now the doughnuts are just going to have to do the trick. ;)