Twins

Are you sitting there staring at the title the way I was staring at an ultrasound screen a few weeks ago? Kind of not sure what to think, with your mouth hanging open, wondering if that means what you THINK it means? Two weeks ago to be exact, I went in to have my first checkup on what I assumed was baby Barron #4. It was actually baby Barron #4 and #5. We had prayerfully considered having a 4th baby for the last few months, but got a little more than we expected out of that decision. ;)

We are completely totally thrilled shocked terrified petrified ecstatic, and also 100% certain we have lost our minds. I literally spent about a week sobbing and laughing hysterically. It was fun to add 'emotional meltdown of epic proportions' to the list of symptoms I was already trying to hide, like nausea and bone-deep first trimester exhaustion. I mean, I'd cry watching football games people, and not because my Cowboys were losing.

We are completely thrilled as I said, and also (more me than Billy) already filled with a double portion of worries and anxiety to go along with a twin pregnancy. I'm a pretty healthy girl, but carrying two babies as I've learned recently, is a lot different than carrying one. There are lots of risks that I just didn't have to think about with a singleton...and being the worrier that I am, I've really had to spend countless hours praying and pouring over Scripture to remind myself that I didn't create these precious babies, and I can't make them grow. They are totally in God's hands, as they should be.

During the ultrasound both babies were measuring right on schedule, and in separate sacs. This, they assured me, often means there is less risk for the babies since they have their own "space". They were a little concerned, however, that one of the babies heart rate was a little bit slower than they'd like to see. They started throwing around terms like "vanishing twin", and sending me on an emotional roller coaster of wanting to love and mother them both, but being afraid to let myself get attached to a baby they said could vanish even before our next ultrasound. This has definitely added to the emotional upheaval of the last couple of weeks as well.

I want to say I've handled it serenely and with grace, but honestly I've spent most of my time worrying and wondering and crying and praying and just reaching for assurance. The last couple of weeks have dragged by in slow motion, just wanting to see them both and know they are ok. (We go back tomorrow, Friday the 27th, for our next ultrasound.) It hasn't all been hysterics, there have been moments where I know, I remember, that even if something happens to either baby, I haven't been robbed of being their mother. These unexpected gifts are just that...gifts. I didn't do anything to deserve them, and can't honestly do anything to keep them safe right now. I just have to trust the one who already knows them intimately because He made them. I have to have faith in Him, and remember to open my hand and willingly accept all that He gives, whether it hurts or not. I don't always understand what is happening, but I can trust it's for His glory. And His glory is the best thing for me.

So, deep breath, trying to be prepared for anything, while also being totally in this moment I've been given, loving and enjoying carrying these two precious prune-sized people. (10 weeks along!) I've never prayed so much in my life, cried so much, laughed so much, been so in awe and so scared at the same time. I mean...TWO BABIES? Even for a hooligan-tamer that sounds like exhaustion...of the best kind. Typically with twins you deliver early, but our due date is officially July 23rd.

If you're reading this, we would absolutely appreciate your prayers. Prayers for the health and strength of both of these precious babies, for my health and strength and that I can carry them for all the time they need to be born healthy and yelling at the world, for our finances, and that we remember, no matter what the outcome, that we are swamped with His grace. Thankful for each of you that took the time to read the emotional outpouring of a hysterical pregnant girl. At least now that the secret is out I don't have to pretend I am not a hormonal puddle. ;) *Yes, I'm crying now, too.* Our family, the two newest members included, are blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives.